Perception

                  Perception: “the act or faculty of perceiving, or apprehending by means of the senses or of the mind; cognition; understanding. Psychology. A single unified awareness derived from sensory processes while a stimulus is present” (dictionary.com, 2024).

            Perception is an interesting thing. One could perceive something about someone completely wrong or contrary to the truth. Just because we perceive something based on our own assumptions and deductions based off of our own life experiences, does not mean that it is fact. The only way to find the truth of the matter is to open a dialogue and ask. To illustrate, in May, one of my colleagues commented to me: “I think that you don’t have any problems. You are always so happy and smiling, you must have no bad things happening or going on in your life.” It was sweet for my colleague to comment as such yet, it could not be further from the truth. I smiled, then shared with my colleague that my mother says to me, “You are always smiling and laughing. I guess you have to laugh, because if you didn’t, you would cry.” This was my mother’s response when witnessing first-hand the distress and duress I was experiencing in the winter, on the cusp of spring 2022. It was apt.

            The truth of the matter is, I have cried myself to sleep every night for the past 10-11 months since I arrived back in the U.S. It decreased to some nights and some mornings in May. I am not sad about the end of a long-term partnership, no – that was long overdue for both of our well-being – the tears of devastation are grief. The grief of losing the life I dreamed of, the life I created. It was so simple. When most dream of great fame and fortune, all I ever wanted and aspired for was a simple life: nurturing a partnership, building a community, creating a family, traveling, creating memories, and working to live, not living to work. This is why it hurts so much. All I have ever wanted has been so simple and ordinary, and the universe/creator/(insert deity you subscribe to here) said, “no.”

I know it is for the best and I am very much allowing myself to completely feel the grief of it all. I recently shared this with my siblings a few days ago as I am learning to give vulnerability a chance. That is not to say that I am not vulnerable, however, I prefer to reserve that for a very, very few, select people (Scorpio). I have seen the effect sharing how I am truly feeling can have on people. Mostly it sparks people into a savior mindset or the need to tend and cure a wound. Please, the wound is mine to tend and care for, no one else. I appreciate the need to soothe me however, that is not what I need. I need to be able to continue to soothe and navigate these waters alone, as I have been for some time (with the occasional support of a trained professional).

I guess writing this blog is another way of choosing to be vulnerable. It is not out of vanity, no, it is more for those who may need it. For the fellow travelers along the off-beaten path, being tossed about in the seas of living life. I write to share my experience and process. To illustrate that, even with a nearly 22-year yoga practice, and a continued graduate-level education in counseling psychology in two different countries - I’m still learning. Some may perceive me to be joyful, laughing, and carefree - yes, I am those things - however, I am also deeply wounded and grieving. I offer love, kindness, and gentleness outwardly to practice and learn how to not only offer it to myself but, to learn how to accept it as well.

May you remember that perception is that of the perceiver, and not always fact, nor the truth.

With love,

M x