Transitions

Yesterday was my last day on campus. Two years of work, head down, focused on one step in front of the other, has come to a close. It flew by. For once, I put myself first, completely. I did not allow distractions from others’ worlds to derail me from my goal. I learned to hold boundaries lovingly, even when they were continually pushed upon. I refused to engage in unnecessary drama. Despite its continual presence at my doorstep, it was never allowed to cross the threshold. At times, it barged in. However, remaining steadfast in my boundaries, I’d lovingly redirect it. Sometimes, I just left where it was present and created a new environment to thrive in. It is possible some people have felt abandoned. However, I am of the opinion that if you truly love and care about a person (not just romantically, but in any interpersonal relationship), abandoning themselves for you is not an option. In all my relationships (familial, friendships, platonic, and romantic), I would like for a person to feel the freedom to be completely their unfiltered selves. Allowing people to be, in my opinion, is the highest form of love. Although, there is a caveat. If someone whom I care for is being harmful and harming others, then I feel duty-bound to intervene. Perpetrating hate based on your belief system is still hate (in my opinion). I digress.

            To assume the past two years have been easy would be a gross understatement. Several times I had doubts I made the right decision to move back to the U.S. Routinely, I contemplated my choices as I could not (and still can’t) see the path ahead. I did the only thing I could do, which was to focus on the task at hand (the assignment, the lecture, the reading, my clients), and keep an eye out for opportunities. To illustrate, I had the opportunity to become a graduate teaching assistant, and I have been my entire second year of grad school. In being open, I discovered the natural evolution of my career path as an educator and noticed a direction and possible path. Despite this, life has harshly taught me that there are no guarantees and things can change in a moment. I realize my privilege in learning this truth in my 30s, as opposed to the many who may have been born into such an existence.

Regarding privilege, I have noticed how privilege, in the U.S., is quite the charged word. I’d love the opportunity to dialogue more about it, in an attempt to reconcile the feelings and sensations that arise when people are told they have privilege. To have privilege (in my opinion and understanding) does not mean you have not endured hardships, nor does it seek to minimize them. On the contrary, I feel it helps to remind us of our humanity and opens the opportunity to cultivate community. Then again, these are my thoughts and opinions based on my life experiences; they are not the rule.

In summary, as I transition onto the next stage of my life, it not looking in any way how I planned, expected, or anticipated, I am grateful for the small everyday moments of joy. I have ideas about what’s next, although I’ve been here before, so close to the finish line and it all going pear-shaped. So, I shall leave them as that – ideas. Instead, I will remain open to what may come. I will continue to cultivate how to incorporate my yoga training into my therapeutic practice within the therapy space, and perhaps attempt to publish my book again (now that I’ll have more letters after my name). I have completed everything, I will graduate in a few weeks’ time with a 4.0 (which I’ve had for the duration of my studies) and a Master of Science in Counseling Psychology, Marriage and Family Therapy specialization (ironic, I know).

I am grateful for the beautiful messiness that is life, and I honor my privilege in being able to process, accept, and view it as that. When I completed my undergrad, it was a little over a year after my violent sexual assaults. After I reported one, I was terrified and just wanted to leave, so I never walked for graduation and barely graduated with a 2.0. This upcoming experience means a lot to me. It evidences my commitment to myself and my willingness to carry on despite the hardships. It also evidences, in my opinion, that if you are willing to believe in yourself, turning the love, kindness, and gentleness you offer others inward, you have the opportunity to experience beautiful moments of grace and peace.

To end, I’m not sure the direction my website will take, nor if I will continue to offer such candid moments, internal thought processes, and experiences in the blog format. I do not wish to minimize myself in anyway, however, I now live in a country where my thoughts, words, and feelings can be used and weaponized against me. Which saddens me deeply. Despite this, I still have hope (“the audacity of hope”) and believe in the goodness of people. With that, this is a transitional-transformational time in my professional career, and I am excited for what is to come.

With love,

M x