“The Courage to be Disliked”
I first heard this phrase in the form of a book title by Japanese author Fumitake Koga, translated by Ichiro Kishimi. It is currently (and has been) on my list of books to read. Despite having not read the novel, the title alone brought the idea into my awareness, inspiring me to reflect on my people pleasing habits.
I am under no illusion of the cause for my people pleasing tendencies. I understand that it is tied to my trauma response: fawning. After much introspection, I learned this was a response I acquired over several experiences throughout my life. Some incredibly painful, others mere footnotes in the story of my life yet, all moments where (in my healing journey) I have chosen to see them as opportunities to learn, grow, and thrive. Now, I consider myself a somewhat retired people pleaser, every day continuing to have the courage to be disliked. Recently, I have had the opportunity to practice.
This past semester of grad school has been arduous for many reasons. An extraverted introvert (as described by one of my brothers) and a shy, geeky nerd (as my close friends know me), I do not do well when confronted with what I perceive as aggressive personalities. I am still learning how to navigate this and, I am so grateful for the recent lessons that have occurred since February. At the time already navigating a rupture, an outside individual came in (with no knowledge of the rupture), and blindly chose sides. As a result, I feel and perceive that this person does not like me. They make it apparent in many ways; they are allowed to express themselves. As I am equally allowed to remain silent and not respond. I do not choose silence as a means of power or control, on the contrary, I choose it as a means to remain peaceful. I know myself and do not need to defend myself against someone who (from my perception) has decided to hate me knowing nothing about me. Above all, I feel for them. It is a lonely place to be to choose to despise someone without allowing the opportunity to get to know them. People are allowed to be where they are. I choose to offer loving kindness in choosing not to engage in verbal violence by remaining silent.
However, Monday, something beautiful happened. They offered me kindness by sharing something with me. It must have been quite difficult, and I am so pleased for them. Later I heard them mocking me, and it seemed they then caught themselves. I don’t care. I am here to be their biggest cheerleader in choosing to seek to understand, however many hiccups they may have along the way (even if they loathe me). That is who I am. That is how I operate. Of course, I do not always have such compassion when being mocked and challenged, I have hiccups too but, all we can ever do is try our best. This is what I intend to do every single day.
Someone’s opinion of me is none of my business. Nor does it matter to me. I know myself. I know who I am. When presented with a life changing choice to be selfish or to help someone in need, I chose the latter. Not for glory, praise or due to a savior complex but, because I did not view it as a choice at all. From my point of view, I had the educational background and professional experience to support this person in addition to the medical support they were receiving. I live my life with the belief that I am exactly where I am meant to be, when I am meant to be there. This belief has helped me to not only survive my past, but to thrive.
As a result of my choice to be supportive, I lost my placement place, I was put on sick leave from work as caring for someone with severe frontal lobe damage made me a shell of a person, and I nearly lost my place on my post-grad course (which I left anyway due to the effect caring for someone had on me). I forgot who I was. I forgot what I liked. In helping someone to recover to regain their independence, I lost me.
Eventually, with time, I found myself again. I walked in the woods every day, communing with the trees. I fiercely practiced gratitude, for the simple things such as waking up. Gratitude for everything I saw, every interaction where someone offered me kindness. Gratitude that I allowed myself to feel my feelings, allowing the tears to comfort me as they fell each night. Gratitude for the experience and the privilege to be in a position where I could focus on my mental health, understanding I had friends with family members in countries experiencing war. In this space of fierce gratitude, I made my way back to me, and I am so grateful.
To conclude, I view the courage to be disliked as a fierce act of love toward oneself. When confronted with someone who dislikes me, I offer gratitude for the opportunity to learn more about myself and what comes up for me in the experience. In choosing to release the chains of likeability, I free myself from the confines of someone’s idea of me, allowing the space to learn about one another and grow together.
May you find the courage to be disliked.
With love,
M x