Accountability

            I ponder on accountability often. In my opinion, it is a daily, moment to moment process. I wonder if I have taken responsibility for my part in an interaction or misunderstanding, query if it is my own emotional baggage that has muddied situational waters, and seek to rectify inadvertent wrongs or misinterpretations. Deliberately harming someone is not my way of being. I choose to journey through life believing this to be the truth of all, though I am keenly aware from experience that it is not. Still, I choose to act and approach from a place of love for my own well-being and peace.

            I say this not from some tall, grand place of knowledge, but as the pieces of wisdom collected from the broken shards found in a dark, bottomless pit of self-loathing. I found myself there in 2010, and stayed there for many years as it was all that I knew; it was comfortable, and I found peace within the chaos. Yet, it is not a place for any soul to make a home. Slowly, and patiently, I climbed out of this place, willing to surrender to the unknown, trusting that all would be well.

            The invisible wounds from 2010 were raw for several years. In an instant, something would occur, and I would no longer be in the present moment. My body would go into hyperdrive, adrenaline would flood my system, and my body would internally (sometimes visibly) shake as I would logically try to regulate my nervous system. The outward responses were illogical, and I knew that it was no one else’s problem but my own. This is where accountability began to take root.

            I could not (and cannot) change the past. It has happened. I cannot undo what has been done. All I can do is manage and tend to the wounds and scars as a result of it. This is a daily, moment by moment practice. Which was the inspiration for the name change to: Moments with Marina. For years I have lived moment by moment, not knowing what may occur and cause a scar to gush open. The only guarantee I would have was that the moment would pass. I acknowledge the moment, take responsibility for the response, and refuse to blame someone else for my automatic bodily response in an attempt to gain control of what was happening internally, invisible to the onlooker’s eye. This is how I take accountability. It is no one’s problem nor responsibility to tiptoe around me due to my experiences. Not only is it unrealistic but, it is also, in my opinion, cruel and manipulative. I want no part in it.

            It is my own challenge and for my own growth to overcome my past, and to not let it control and rule my present. I practice in having the courage to have the difficult conversations when something does not sit right with me, acknowledging where I may have got it wrong. I practice with sitting with discomfort and fear, relearning how to do ordinary things without fear of repercussions. With that, if repercussions do occur, I practice removing myself from someone’s perception and opinion of me (it is none of my business). I cannot control other’s ideas of me, I can only offer clarity and my perception. Sometimes, there is an impasse. I accept it, then move on. No good can come of wallowing – only distress.

            I offer this not as some educational counsel, but as continued learning from lessons that arise often in my life. Every day is an opportunity for something to occur that, due to my past experiences, can cause my nervous system to dysregulate. I can always only do my best with what I have and where I am at in that moment. It is enough. I have lived with this for some time and know what I need to do to regulate my nervous system to help it return to a neutral, peaceful place. I do this alone, in isolation. I was alone when the event that caused it occurred, and I dealt with it alone as the shame as a result of it was overwhelming. Many fear solitude…I find peace in it.

            May you bravely increase your awareness of your own wounds, allowing the opportunity for accountability to take root.

With love,

M x